I read a book Dark Mirror by author I Forgot, and one of the characters was a boy with magical powers, who had the power of foreseeing and because of this knowledge, didn't allow anyone to get close to him, not even the girl he loved.
Today, I had my hand read by someone (professional or not, I don't know) and she said that I will not live long: my first thought was "Yes! I don't have to pay back all my loans or my credit card bills", haha. But then it got me really thinking, if I die, then so many things that I wanted to do, won't happen; I won't be able to eat good food (haha, I know, but what can I say I love my milk teas and dim sums!); my family will be devastated and they will wallow in the grief till the end of their days as well; all my hard work to get this far will have been for nothing; and I will die fat, not being able to see myself in a "healthy" physical body (I have accepted that I will forever be overweight, but hey! that can change any day). But what really gets me is that my life has already been tragic thus far, and to have it ended now without having anything extremely good happen to me, is even more tragic: my life thus far would've been a waste.
Life and the economy is bad as it is, but to die now without anything good happen, especially being unemployed would be even more tragic. But on the other hand, I don't have to work my butt off every day and night like I do now, to make a living AND pay my loans and credit card bills. I won't have to worry about interviews, the economy, when I will die (since I already know, haha), and what I would have to endure in the future, finding the "one", and etc. Life would be easier, though tragic, at the same time. O! and I don't have to worry about the "Big One" and the after effects.
Even though I am not afraid of death, because we are all going to end up that way in the end haha, it's how and after I die that I'm terrified about. What kind of pain will I go through (I hate pain: What are you thinking about, Rihanna?!) and what will happen afterward? I watch all these movies (I know, I shouldn't believe in them) about the end, the Last Judgment, and "Big One", but at the same time, a cynic like me can't help but to think that way. Another problem that I face right now is my job: I'm a substitute teacher and kids can be horrible sometimes. One flipped me off in my face, but his finger was bleeding, so I told him to wash his hand because it was "dirty" and to see me at my desk so I can put Neosporin and a band-aid.. he said no and brushed it off. The little twerp.
But then I think of my other students who have taken to me and joke around with me and help me with small chores and make little boxes with my name on it :) I can't think this way, thinking of only the bad or only the good. I have to be realistic... and right now, the only reality that I'm facing at this very moment, is being nice and cozy in my room, hearing the pitter-pattering of rain outside my window, comfortable in my bed and watching my favorite Law and Order:SVU (not the most cheerful show, but I still like it!). I have a class that I will teach in 2 hours (I teach to students in Korea via webcam), and have to wake up 5 hrs later to teach 150 kids art that they hate. This cycle will not end... but! I can buy my favorite cosmetics and eat good food... so my labor for my simple, superficial joys is a fair trade I think.
